Femboy and the Furry
by Alpha-Starr
Summary: Ryou's only a side character, even when he's the main character, Joey is cursed to be a furry, and Kaiba has a ridiculously large ego. Looks like they're all in-character! Beauty and the Beast parody, YGOTAS-style. SxJ , BxR, temporary one-sided SxR.
1. Prologue

Femboy and the Furry

Summary: Ryou's only a side character, even when he's the main character, Joey is cursed to be a furry, and Kaiba has a ridiculously large ego. Beauty and the Beast parody, Abridged characters. SxJ , BxR, temporary SxR.

A/N: WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN...  
>Everyone knows that Thiefshipping is basically canon in the abridged series, and LK likes to make fun of the Puppyshippers sometimes, so I'm not sure how I managed to get this from the abridged characters. In any case, here it is. It's messed up. Lots of potentially insulting material, sexuality, etc. You've been warned.<br>I have absolutely no friggin' idea what I'm going posting this when I should be studying. I'm just putting up the first part, I guess, to remind myself that I need to finish it...

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh and all its characters/card games/anime/manga don't belong to me, that's Kazuki Takahashi's. Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged and all its jokes belong to LittleKuriboh, whose real-life name is Martin. Plotline and songs are from Beauty and the Beast, Disney versions and Broadway versions, though I parodied the lyrics. Anything else you recognize? Most likely not mine.

* * *

><p>-.-.-.-.-Prologue -.-.-.-.-<p>

Once upon a time in a land far away, there lived an exceedingly pretty boy named Duke Devlin. He had wide, emerald-green eyes and black hair that was long enough to put in a ponytail. He was also absurdly sexy, and he came with his very own theme music... and it TOTALLY WASN'T ripped off Justin Timberlake's _Sexyback_, even if they did both have the same beat, and the same general music pattern, and the same... you know what, never mind.

Women (with and without heart conditions) would be strongly advised not to look directly at Duke Devlin, simply because he was so hot. Heck, even _I_ think he's hot, and I'm just a disembodied narration!

One day, Duke Devlin opened up a game shop, where he marketed the largely popular board game, Dungeon Dice Monsters. However, there was one person who pointed out the game's only major flaw:

"So, it's just like Duel Monsters," a spiky-haired man told his slightly shorter double. People shopping around them stared at his freaky, tri-colored hair.

"Basically," the shorter boy agreed, twirling a blond bang around his finger.

"It is _not_ exactly like Duel Monsters!" Duke cried indignantly. How dare they insult his game?

The pair of freakishly alike boys blinked at each other before simultaneously saying, "Prove it."

"Uh..." Duke stalled. "It has dice."

"Hey guys!" an obnoxious, Brooklyn-accented voice said. A blonde guy ran into the game shop with a brunet side character following shortly after. "I just got back from playin' Duel Monsters wit' da freaky fish guy!"

A voice in the background called out, "I am NOT a freaky fish guy!"

Joey ignored him and continued, "Man, ya totally missed an awesome duel! Why doncha' blow this pop stand to go play childrens' card games?"

"What?" Duke exclaimed as all of his paying customers flooded out the shop to go play a more superior game for children.

Naturally, it was the blonde's fault.

"You!" he hollered at the dog-like duelist.

"Nyehhh?" said duelist replied, pointing to himself.

"What is your name?" Duke Devlin growled, beginning to draw a spell circle on a sheet of paper and pulling a magic die from his pocket. He'd need the name to complete his spell.

"Me?" the blonde looked confused. "I'm Joey Wheeler, duelist extraordinaire."

"Well, Joey Wheeler," Duke looked at him with his piercing green eyes. He raised a pair of dice and hollered, "I curse you to spend eternity as a horrid beast, a freaky cross between a dragon and a dog! You'll be ugly, and nobody will want to date you! But, you have to get laid before your seventeenth birthday, or you'll be doomed to spend forever as a mutt! However, the person you lay with will be the one who takes the curse! Mwahahahaha!"

"Waiiit," Joey looked at Duke skeptically. "If I'm seventeen, wouldn't it be illegal for me to..."

"Shut it," the very pretty boy hissed, multicolor magic flowing from his palms.

"Burn the witch!" Joey's brunet companion hollered, trying to light a match with the giant spike known as his hair.

Then, Duke suddenly realized that there were plenty of other people in the game shop that could report him to authorities.

"And I curse everyone else except me, Duke Devlin, in this shop to become miscellaneous, outmoded inanimate objects until Joey Wheeler gets laid!" he declared. Then, he hopped on a random broom, and flew off into the sky, never to be seen again.

Which is really quite a shame, especially because he was so pretty.


	2. Chapter 1: Ryou

Femboy and the Furry

Summary: Ryou's only a side character, even when he's the main character, Joey is cursed to be a furry, and Kaiba has a ridiculously large ego. Beauty and the Beast parody, Abridged characters. SxJ , BxR, temporary SxR.

A/N: Whee! Introducing the main character, who's really a side character. Hence why the character selections don't have Ryou in them. :) I bet you can't find all the Abridged references! ;3

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh and all its characters/card games/anime/manga don't belong to me, that's Kazuki Takahashi's. Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged and all its jokes belong to LittleKuriboh, whose real-life name is Martin. Plotline and songs are from Beauty and the Beast, Disney versions and Broadway versions, though I parodied the lyrics. Anything else you recognize? Most likely not mine.

In case anyone's wondering:  
>The song "Ryou" is based off "Belle". I advise that you listen to the song, but you can just read it as regular dialogue... that just happens to rhyme... ^^;<p>

**Song lyrics are in bold**.

* * *

><p>-.-.-.-.-"Ryou" -.-.-.-.-<p>

Ryou Bakura really, really liked books. That's pretty much canon.

So, as a result of his sudden, inexplicable obsession with fairytales, he was walking to town while wearing a blue dress and humming along to some children's animated movie songs.

In a perfect soprano, the white-haired limey declared, **"There goes the game shop owner with his card games, the same exact packs still on sale~! Every pack's been just the same, since the morning that we came, he should really re-stock them right now!"**

"Oh, you kids with your whining, and your cross-dressing, and your Disney sing-alongs, and your Britishness, and your ad-libbing, and your..." the game shop owner growled under his breath, all the while shaking his fist in Ryou's general direction. Then, he turned back to the obituary section of the local newspaper. "Now, let's see if I've died yet..."

Ryou shrugged it off and continued on his way to the bookstore.

"**Look there she goes, that girl is strange- no question!**" a gossiping townswoman whispered to her neighbor.

Ryou scowled in her direction. He was _male_, thank you very much!

"**Your mother plays card games in Hell!**" a nearby teddy bear yelled in Ryou's direction, and off-key, too, might I add. He glared at it, even though he wasn't really insulted. But the bear could've at least tried to stay on key!

"**He really sticks out from the crowd,**" a policeman blinked at his notepad. He flipped open a book that listed the laws of the land. "**Is dressing like that allowed?**"

"**He's definitely gay, that white-haired guy,**" a person who wasn't bothered to remember Ryou's name told his sister, who was eying him with interest.

"I'm not gay, I'm just British!" Ryou shot a glare in said person's direction. He huffed, and cursed himself for taking the long way to the bookshop. He didn't have to take that route, but according to his contract, he needed to get in at least one musical number.

The townspeople sang about random, miscellaneous chores in the background at Ryou strolled, relishing in his only chance at being a main character. He was finally getting the screen time that he deserved!

The day seemed to be going very well for him, because he finally came upon the bookshop. The door opened before he got there.

"Hello," the mysterious bookstore owner known as Ishizu looked at him. "I have foreseen your arrival."

"That's because I come here at this time every bloody day," Ryou quirked his eyebrow.

"Do no question my psychic powers!" Ishizu bit back forcefully. "Or else I'll feed you to my pet rock collection!"

Ryou squeaked and shied away. Ishizu's pet rocks were enormous, and they all had freaky carvings on them.

"My visions have told me that you are to take this book today," Ishizu said, handing over a thick tome with the words "Adventures of Limeyman" on the cover. "I think you'll relate to the main character very well."

"Okay," Ryou shrugged, then went to the park to go read.

"**Look there she goes, that girl is so peculiar,**" the townspeople whispered to each other.

Ryou twitched. He could still _hear_ them! They didn't have to talk about him like he was invisible or something!

"**I wonder if the rumor's true,**" another person peered at him curiously. "**By the way he wears that skirt, and looks like his pride ain't hurt...**"

"**He's definitely gay, that weird Ryou,**" someone else agreed.

"I'm not gay, I'm just BRITISH!" Ryou yelled suddenly, turning around and glaring at everyone. "Why does everyone assume that?"

The townspeople looked at him briefly before ignoring him and returning to their gossip.

Ryou sighed. Even when he was the main character, nobody paid him any attention.

"**I heard that Bakura's last name means 'glory,'**" someone murmured. "And I can't help but wonder why."

"**He's really rather weak, and he doesn't like to speak,**" another person scratched her mind for anything that could relate Ryou to glory. She came up blank.

"**He's definitely gay, that white-haired guy,**" a third person agreed.

"I'm British," Ryou growled testily. He sat down at a fountain and opened the book to begin reading about the all-awesome Limeyman, whose only weakness was the dreaded disease known as "Wanker's Cramp." The camera began to zoom out...

"Wait, what!" Ryou glanced up from the book in indignant anger. "I was _promised_ more screen time!"

And you'll get it, Ryou. Just not right now.

On the other side of town, the exceedingly wealthy Seto Kaiba was just coming back from a successful all-night hunt with his little brother Mokuba, who was carrying the dead carcasses of three partridges and a moose. Kaiba himself held a large, phallic gun.

"Big brother!" the adorable kidnapping bait exclaimed. "You didn't even miss a single one! You're the best hunter ever! No beast alive can stand a chance against you-"

"Shut up, Mokuba," the professional asshole cut him off. "I know."

"Big brother, what do you want me to do now?" Mokua struggled under the weight of all the game.

"Hmmm," Kaiba smirked evilly. "Take it all home, have the chef cook the birds and stuff the moose. I'll invite Ryou Bakura to our home tonight and ask him to marry me."

"Wait, you mean the white haired guy?" Mokuba asked. "Why? He isn't even a main character!"

"Because, Mokuba," Kaiba spoke very slowly. "He's the second-most handsome person in this town... the first being myself, of course. And he's obviously gay. I don't really care either way."

There was a faint echo of, "I'm British!" in the background. Kaiba ignored it.

"But isn't there some law against marrying someone of the same gender?" Mokuba frowned.

"Screw the rules, I have money!" Kaiba cackled, before re-starting the musical number. "**Right from the moment when I foreclosed his house, I saw that he was fairly hot. Here in town there's only he, half as beautiful as me, so I'll take him whether he wants it or not!**"

"... oh," said Mokuba, blinking up at Kaiba. He paused. "Can I have a donut?"

"... no."

"Awww," Mokuba pouted.


	3. Chapter 2: Me! AND Ryou, Reprise

Femboy and the Furry

Summary: Ryou's only a side character, even when he's the main character, Joey is cursed to be a furry, and Kaiba has a ridiculously large ego. Beauty and the Beast parody, Abridged characters. SxJ , BxR, temporary SxR.

A/N: I love this chapter. It's my favorite. I find it hilarious.  
>Hopefully it's enough to sustain you all until I come off creative hiatus in November.<p>

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh and all its characters/card games/anime/manga don't belong to me, that's Kazuki Takahashi's. Yu-Gi-Oh Abridged and all its jokes belong to LittleKuriboh, whose real-life name is Martin. Plotline and songs are from Beauty and the Beast, Disney versions and Broadway versions, though I parodied the lyrics. Anything else you recognize? Most likely not mine.

In case anyone's wondering:  
>"Me!", sung by Kaiba, is based off "Me!" sung by Gaston. It's found in the Broadway version ONLY, so if you've only seen the movie, that's why it's not familiar.<p>

**Song lyrics are in bold, but you can read them as regular dialogue, as long as you don't mind the rhyming.**

* * *

><p>-.-.-.-.-"Me!" AND "Ryou" (reprise) -.-.-.-.-<p>

Much later, Ryou was on her- sorry, _his_ way back home. Unbeknownst to him, Kaiba was stalking him as he travelled along the winding forest path.

"Dad, I'm home~!" Ryou shouted to the empty house. Spotting the note on the nearby table, which told him that his constantly MIA father was, once again, out on business and would be back for dinner, he sighed. It seemed like his dad was never at home any more.

"Hey, what's this?" he suddenly spotted a hint of gold. "A... necklace?"

He looked at the tag on the ring and read it out loud, "Millennium Gaydar, to protect you from the crazy gay guys who want to prey on you because you're so bloody effeminate. Love, dad."

Ryou shrugged and put it on. Immediately, it pointed in Kaiba's direction.

"Who... who's there!" the Brit exclaimed. Kaiba emerged from the shadows.

"Hello, relatively unimportant side character," Kaiba smirked. "I have a proposition for you."

"No!" Ryou exclaimed frantically. "No sex!"

"No sex," Kaiba agreed. He added, "Yet. First, the musical number that was in my contract. They better be paying me a lot for this."

"Eep!" Ryou squeaked. "You really shouldn't! Why don't you just screw the contract! You have enough money-"

"And I'll have even more after I finish this song! Then, I'll be able to screw _more_ than just the rules... mwahahahahaha!" Kaiba laughed evilly. Elsewhere, eighteen puppies died because Kaiba smiled.

Ryou squeaked as Kaiba pulled him flush to his body.

"**You've been dreaming, just one dream, nearly all your life! Hoping, scheming, just one theme: Will you be a wife? Will you be some he-man's property? Good news! That he-man's me!**" Kaiba showed off his extremely long, impressive... um, trench coat. Yeah, his trench coat with the uber-awesome coat-tails of doom!

Ryou recoiled in horror. Was that supposed to impress him?

"**This equation, boy plus man, doesn't help just you! On occasion, limeys can have their uses too... mainly to have sex with guys like me,**" Kaiba sang darkly. "**Then I'll figure out male pregnancy!**"

"Bloody hell, you bugger!" Ryou exclaimed, backing off and instantly scanning Kaiba's person for any test tubes or the like. "Get away from me!"

"**We'll be raising sons galore!**" Kaiba inched closer with an injection needle in hand. Presumably, it had appeared from either hammerspace or his briefcase.

"Absolute bollocks!" Ryou cried, searching fruitlessly for a weapon of some sort.

"**Each built six foot four,**" Kaiba cackled. They'd all grow to just about his own height.

"You've gone completely barmy!"

"**Each one stuffed with every Kaiba gene!**" Kaiba planned on genetically altering them if they even dared have even one of Ryou's wimpy characteristics. He was going to clone himself... which made the readers wonder exactly why he needed to get Ryou involved at all.

"EEEEP!" Ryou squealed as Kaiba copped a feel of his ass.

"**I'll teach them all to be jerks!**"

"How horrible!"

"**And also how a penis works!**"

"Bloody hell!"

"**And you'll be part of this idyllic scene!**"

"Hell, no!"

"Picture this: the KaibaCorp tower, with my face plastered on every wall. You'll be massaging my feet as I flag Youtube videos to compensate for my lack of social skills, while our children buy out the stocks to my competitors' companies!" Kaiba cackled. Somewhere, a puppy or two died.

"You git! You absolute git!"

"**I can see that we will share all marriage implies... and if you combine your hair with my perfect eyes,**" Kaiba began to scheme. Perhaps not all of Ryou's genes would be useless. "**The kids will look like my BEWD! All roads lead to... the best things in life are... all's well that ends with me~!**"

Ryou was now backed up against the wall.

"**Escape me? There's no way,**" Kaiba grinned, reaching for Ryou's pants. He'd worry about the experimental male pregnancy injection later. "**It's simple as 'Do, Re'...**"

Ryou pressed himself as far back as he would go.

"**Side character, marry me!**" demanded Kaiba. The musical number ended. "I won't take no for an answer!"

"O-oh, um..." Ryou stuttered. How could he go about this? "Bloody _hell_ no, you wanker."

"..." Kaiba glared at him. "Fine."

He turned around, shut his briefcase, and left.

Ryou shut his door, then locked it, and began to sing in his lovely soprano, "**Mrs. Kaiba, can't you just see it? Mrs. Kaiba, his little 'wife', ugh! For the last time, I'm British, NOT GAY! I want that wanker out of my life!**"

Huffing, he began to cook dinner in a fury.

"What does that bloody ponce know anyways," Ryou muttered under his breath as he turned over the vegetables he was grilling. "**I want to embroider an elaborate thing... I want it more than I can tell! And for once it might be grand to have someone understand, I'm British through and through until the end~!**"

And so, Ryou continued to cook until it was very, very late in the evening.

"Hmmm," he mused to himself. "It's not like father to be this late, especially not on Thursdays. Stew is his favorite!"

All of a sudden, his father's horse burst in through the door, pulled Ryou out by his sleeve, and promptly galloped off.

"Ow!" Ryou exclaimed. He was being vigorously hit over his head by the many branches and brambles they were passing through in the forest. "Quit it~! That really hurts, you bloody wanker!"

The horse snorted angrily and bucked Ryou onto the doorstep of a random castle before trotting away.

"Geez," Ryou rubbed his back. "Bloody bint. I knew we should've sold her when we had the chance."

Ryou looked up at the castle... which, in actuality, was an abandoned game shop called the Black Crown.

"Well, I may as well go in," Ryou sighed. "It's not like I had anything better to do today."


End file.
